There’s one magical thing about the internet: for any sexual fantasy, however improbable or absurd, that might cross your mind, you can usually find an illustration of it. Or even a whole site devoted to it. And the same goes for a good many of the obscenities you haven’t yet imagined. Porn panda, fake poo, and so much more.
I’ll leave you to imagine the number of atrocities my eyes have had to scroll past to unearth the oddities that follow.
Porn panda
A young lady starts to masturbate. Beside her lies, inert, a giant plush panda.
The young lady is in the thick of it, when the panda starts to move, in a not-very-lively way. Let’s not forget that the animal is a big floppy plush that spends its days sprawled on its back, contemplating the mites in its fur. But it starts to demand some attention. Then come the human-plush frolics.
It was thus, by chance, that I discovered PandaFuck.
The panda’s wand is a sextoy, pink or black depending on the video. Either it’s actually a Madame Panda Porno, or Monsieur Panda Porno is having trouble maintaining a proper erection in his get-up. Nevertheless, at the end of most of the videos, we witness a plushy ejaculation (yogurt or sweetened condensed milk ???).
The site is pay-to-view, but the few free clips put up on xHamster will amply suffice. Here are two samples. (Careful, it’s naughty, dirty porn, don’t click if you’re at work / in front of your grandmother / in a sketchy internet café with a pimply teen shooting you lecherous looks.)
Scatchocolate
It’s just chocolate is a site devoted to a brown, slimy substance… Chocolate.
Sweets lovers and gourmands of every description, don’t get too excited so soon. It doesn’t, really not at all, give you the fancy to dip a slice of Nutella into a nice hot bowl of Nesquik.
In fact, the ingredient as it’s presented looks much grosser than it really is. A clue: it’s brown, gooey, and spread over backsides. No need to belabour the subject any further.
This effect(cal) is, of course, deliberate, the site catering to a nearly-scatological audience that nonetheless cares about the smell of the photo, and lovers of the grim in general.
The X-Files
FamousComics is a site offering infographics and illustrations of heroes from famous TV series or films, in the middle of doing things you haven’t had the chance to contemplate in the original version of the work. Some images are well done, others less so.
And as it happens, if I say to you “long series in which the two heroes, who are nonetheless male and female heterosexuals, never once have a fling together, to the great despair of the fans who waited and hoped in vain for years for that moment”, you tell me… X-Files. You got it. So, among the few free galleries used to promote this site, there’s one devoted to The X-Files.
Otherwise, two natty little galleries from this site (free as well, no, I haven’t taken out a subscription), in pretty drawings: Pirates of the Caribbean, porn version and Freddy Krueger and Lara Croft (but on separate photos, mind you).
Post-scrotum
To finish up, here’s a non-exhaustive list of the curiosities I’ve judged decent enough to spare you, but which my poor little eyes have nonetheless had the misfortune to come across:
- Sex with aliens, in really badly modelled 3D (too many specimens, I didn’t know which to choose)
- The first legless porn actor and other practices involving amputees (mega nasty and depressing)
- Hentai with all sorts of tentacles (it gets pretty banal, in the long run)
- Anus fruitshake (for those who might not know this strange practice with its dainty name, I leave you to ask your friend Google to discover it)
