Turning everyday objects into improvised sex toys is really not recommended. You could end up in A&E with something stuck in an orifice and an implausible explanation for how it got there.
“I was going to use this aubergine to make a lovely ratatouille, when suddenly I slipped.”
But homemade sex toys become a lot safer if you use accessories designed for the job to make them. And you can find all sorts of gadgets on the market whose purpose is to turn everyday objects into sex toys. An exciting transformation, or total what the fuck?
Let’s take a few moments to consider all the objects we’re being offered to turn into sex toys….
Turning your e-cigarette into a vibrator
The XXX Vibe is an accessory that turns your e-cigarette into a vibrator. Why? I have no answer to that question.
The brand that sells it also sells e-cigarettes and posters of sexy girls vaping. No doubt a modern take on capnolagnia.
Well, if you’re a fan of smoking vaping after an orgasm, it’s a bit of a shame, because the device will probably have drained your battery…
Turning your bicycle into a sex toy
A bicycle tends to vibrate when you ride over stones – and generally, we try to dampen those vibrations to make it more comfortable.
The makers of the Happy Ride apparently don’t agree: it’s a vibrating bicycle saddle.
For the more handy among you, there’s also the option of turning an exercise bike into a fucking machine.
Turning your toothbrush into a vibrator
Ah, masturbating with an electric toothbrush: a classic, though not necessarily a very hygienic one…
If you want to do it properly – and with a suitable accessory – there’s plenty of choice: the Celebrator (which I’ve already mentioned here) or the Tingletip.
Both gadgets work on the same principle: they’re attachments that fit in place of the brush head.
Edit (April 2017): the famous sex blogger Epiphora has tested the Celebrator… and it turns out the thing doesn’t seem quite as utterly rubbish as you might think…
Edit 2 (November 2020): I’ve tested the Tingletip!
Turning a Wiimote into a sex toy
In its first version, the Mojowijo, one of the oldest “connected” sex toys, attached to a Wiimote and turned it into a vibrator, with a penetrative version for women and a clamp-shaped version for men…
This mutation doesn’t seem to have been considered ideal. Since then, the brand has opted for models without a Wiimote and replaced the clamp with a sex toy that looks more like a masturbator.
Turning a drill into a fucking machine
With an adaptor designed for the job, you can turn a drill into a fucking machine.
It’s definitely a good idea if you fantasise about MacGyver naked, or if “it blows my arse off” is your favourite expression.
Turning an iPad into a masturbator
The Fleshlight Launchpad is without a doubt the most logical accessory of all the ones we’ve looked at. It’s an iPad holder that lets you attach a Fleshlight to it.
That way, the user can masturbate with a Fleshlight while watching porn on their tablet, without running out of hands to hold everything.
There’s also a variation that lets you attach a smartphone to your thigh to make hands-free masturbation easier.
Turning objects into sex toys without accessories
Turning your smartphone into a rubbish sex toy
Without adding any accessories, there are so many vibrator apps for smartphones that you’d lose count. Well, needless to say, a phone’s vibrations are far too feeble to do much…
Turning your X-Box into a filthy sex toy
Even the XBox gets in on the act, with an app (which you have to pay for!) called “Remote Masseuse”.
It turns the controller, which all your friends regularly cover with their pizza-covered fingers, into a vibrator. Or rather, a vibrating massage device, because of censorship. Yes, yes, it’s very clean for everyone…
