Among the odd Google searches that have led you here, you sometimes find some really bizarre keywords.
Dear author of strange queries,
Here is how to satisfy your most hidden desires.
Good resolutions
Let’s start gently. You’re getting back in shape a bit. You’re adding vegetables to your diet. And since you shouldn’t waste anything:
- “Masturbation with a tin of beans”
Then you brush up a bit on your geometry:
- “Youporn cylindrical object”
The volume inserted by the tin of beans equals the diameter of the trilili times the diameter of the trilili times the depth divided by four.
… As well as your general knowledge:
- “Middle age bukkake“
Granted, the bukkake, it’s rather from the 1980s. But we’re not going to make a whole dish (of sperm ).
“DIY with sex toys, or the reverse”
Anyway, you got fed up with the whole thing. You drop it and turn to DIY instead:
- “Masturbate with a sander vibrating”
- “How to use a reciprocating saw with a sex toy”
- “Making a machine for jerking off with a coping saw”
- “Masturbation sander”
You become the Mac Gyver of jerking off. But anyway, accidents happen fast. After a brief stay in hospital, you visit your family:
- “Xhamster / Dirty grandmother”
Slightly disoriented by these Oedipal thoughts, you leave for Australia to clear your head.
Animals and fetishism
There, you take an interest in the local wildlife:
- “Kangaroo skin sale law”
- “Kangaroo fetishist”
You realise that kangaroos are still tough. You then turn to smaller animals:
- “Penetration of an octopus into the pussy”
- “Insect orgasm porn”
- “Insect insertion video BDSM“
Octopuses come at a price. You’ll need some money to keep satisfying your tentacular desires.
A job with a sex toy manufacturer
You’re looking for a job:
- “How to join the company We Vibe“.
Er… maybe by sending them a CV? I mean, it’s not exactly promising. Especially since you specified that you’re looking for a:
- “Shop where you can try sex toys”
Your approach doesn’t inspire confidence. And it’s in Canada, and at the moment, you’re in Australia.
The arse’s occult
You then turn to superstition:
- “I test 7 sex toys one after another”
- “Porn I test 7 sex toys one after another”
Then you move right on to occult practices:
- “Voodoo doll sex”
… And Ginette
But you finally find happiness by meeting Ginette :
- “The pussy/vagina/mould for/of Ginette” (yes, all the variants have been searched)
- “Ginette the bitch”
Who kindly lends you her:
- “Moustache-shaped sextoy”.
If these quirky Google searches have amused you, you can discover more in this article on trimammophilia and all your other unadmitted urges, and in that one, on Ginette and her vagina.
Source of the article header illustration: Rob Ireton’s Flickr gallery.
