Sensitive souls, run away! This article is going to be about a dildo shaped like a horse’s or whale’s penis, or even an elephant’s trunk. Yet, a sex toy in the shape of an animal’s penis is taboo. Awfully taboo. Even the most open-minded libertine wouldn’t dare show up with such a device, for fear of being labelled a big bad naughty zoophile.
If you look a little closer, it’s rather paradoxical. If you masturbate with a cock-shaped object, it’s okay, in the shape of a dolphin it’s always okay… Even the caterpillars are a hit! On the other hand, if you dare to touch a thing in the shape of a dolphin’s dick, shame on your bottom !
On the other hand, it’s just plastic or silicone, like most sextoys. In all likelihood, no animals were involved in its making, apart from perhaps a few fossilised critters that make up the plastic.
I would be very hesitant to buy one to keep me company in winter, but I still find these fascinating objects, whether out of curiosity about anatomical details rarely discussed in animal reports, or about the way these are represented as sextoys.
Equids of every kind
A horse’s wee-wee is big. Really very big. And if a big… can only inspire sex toy designers who are a bit on the underground side.
The realistic horse penis dildo
In the category of realistic horse penis dildos, there are the “life-size” ones, such as Henry, at thirty centimetres long and nine centimetres in diameter, for experts in dilation.
However, for horse lovers feeling more modest / not wanting to test their…, there are also scaled-down models, which faithfully reproduce the organ’s appearance without having its actual size.
Lucas, for example, is rather on the small side for a pony at sixteen centimetres, but has the advantage of not hurting its owner. Not to mention Micro Rider, which won’t scare many people with its thirteen centimetres long by four centimetres in diameter.
The mutant horse penis dildo
Because the farm pony was a bit too organic (the straw and all the tralala, not everyone is into it, and fans of centaurs and unicorns won’t disagree with me), in another genre, we have mutant ponies:
- Mr. Ed and his bright red wee-wee,
- Or Thor and his
hammerfluorescent yellow contraption.
All that’s left is to find a green one, and the hi-vis pony kit will be a luxury within everyone’s reach.
Become-a-pony-yourself
You feel good in your hooves, but you’re missing a little big something? The “become-a-pony (of the dick)-yourself” concept will delight you. Oh yes.
For the lady, it will be the Equinox, a life-size horse girdle dildo. What, scary?
The gentleman will have to make do with the Pegasus, a horse-designed penile sheath, which has the shape of the contraption, but not its dimensions.
For those who have never been to the country
… and who aren’t quite sure what a horse looks like, the obsidian horse-serpent-dick on sale at Coco de Mer will stimulate your “root” chakra as well as your orifices.
It was a miss for whoever wrote the product description; it seems the chakra related to sex is rather the next one, called “sacred”. But anyway, the corresponding stones (carnelian, orange calcite, moonstone, imperial topaz, amber, pyrite) were either too expensive or had an inappropriate texture. A dildo in pyrite, it would be medium…
I’m not sure whether this implement is particularly pleasant to use, but one thing is certain: it will at least have the merit of being very decorative (and there’s little chance you’d guess at first glance that it’s a sex toy…)
Save-a-Willy and Moby Dick
Orca penises (if you save Willy, he’ll return the favour) or whale penises are also reproduced as sex toys.
On the left, the Orca Large by Exotic-Erotics. On the right, the Moby Dick.
Despite the imposing size of these objects, they have been scaled down: in reality, an orca’s penis measures more than one metre (if you click the link, you’ll see a naked orca and a frogman fiddling about), while the blue whale’s can reach 2.4 metres (there, you’ll see whales doing naughty things).
Poor Babar…
Elephants don’t have much luck. And not just because they are endangered.
They also suffer from another problem: an unfortunate tendency to presume that their main erogenous zone is none other than… their trunk. In other words, their nose. Would you like someone to tickle the tip of your nose? No: it makes you sneeze.
Fortunately, the elephant trunk dildo belongs to a plastic elephant, which is therefore immune to hay fever.
Source of the article’s header illustration: Flickr gallery by creampuf, creative commons.
Update: We’ve tested a horse penis dildo!
This article is a bit dated. And since then, we’ve had the opportunity to look at a horse penis dildo much more closely.
It is the Chance Unflared by Bad Dragon, a fine contraption with imposing dimensions, which we chose in a marbled red and orange shade, giving it the look of a pony cock from hell!
Chance Unflared Bad Dragon: horse dildo review
