You’re thinking of trying your first night at a swingers’ club, but aren’t quite sure what to expect? Here’s a glimpse of what you’ll find, along with a few tips for making it an enjoyable experience.
Whether you’re on your own or in a couple, swingers’ clubs are a great way to meet people for a bit of fun. They usually have “playrooms”, spaces where you can have sex if you want to.
The premises are supervised, which helps avoid any nasty surprises. You don’t have to worry about running into a kidnapper who’s been lurking on dating sites, or inviting someone back to yours who turns out to be even more of a pain than they seemed and is impossible to get rid of. In short, everything takes place in complete safety.
Whether your fantasies involve voyeurism, exhibitionism, threesomes, soft swapping or partner swapping, anything goes, as long as you meet people you fancy, who fancy you, and who are after the same things.
How do you meet people at a swingers’ night?
There are two ways to meet nice people at a swingers’ night:
Swingers’ dating sites
You can meet people beforehand on a swingers’ website, such as Wyylde, and arrange to meet them there. Some sites are free, but Wyylde, with its paid subscription, is a well-known name in the scene, and lots of swingers are signed up.
If you like, you can also look at the profiles of the people going to a night you’re planning to attend, and send them a quick message suggesting you take the opportunity to get to know each other.
Swingers’ clubs are neutral ground. If the mutual attraction just isn’t there after all, everyone can go their separate ways and still enjoy a nice evening.
And if you have children, or for other reasons can’t or don’t want to have people round to your place for a bit of hanky-panky, it’s an ideal place to have fun together in complete privacy and safety. Plan who you’ll meet, and talk beforehand about what you’re each after, and you can be almost certain of having the chance to get down to it.
But don’t feel obliged just because of that: you can change your mind at any time.
Going to a swingers’ club on the spur of the moment
Or you can turn up on the spur of the moment at a swingers’ club and get chatting to the people there.
The downside: you might come away empty-handed if luck isn’t on your side. The upside: you’re leaving room for some lovely surprises, and the excitement of discovery is all the better for it.
Couples-only nights or nights open to single men?
There are generally two kinds of nights at swingers’ clubs:
- nights reserved for couples and single women,
- or nights also open to single men.
It’s worth noting that the swinging scene is a little “old-fashioned”, and a lot of swingers’ clubs don’t seem to have realised that a couple is not necessarily a man and a woman.
As for transgender people and cross-dressers, it depends on the club. It’s best to check in advance that you’re going somewhere trans-friendly.
Among single people, there seem to be far more men than women willing to venture into a swingers’ club without a partner. That’s why some nights, often at weekends, are reserved for couples and single women (who are generally few and far between), for those who prefer a more even mix of men and women and to be surrounded by other couples. It’s less intimidating.
Other swingers’ nights are open to single men and, depending on the club and the theme of the night, the proportions vary.
On “threesome” nights, there’ll be an average of one single man for every couple. Clubs usually screen people at the door to keep roughly to that ratio.
Whereas “gang bang” nights, or those without a specific theme, may have many more men, which can be a little intimidating, especially if you’re new to it all. And that’s whether you’re a man or a woman, single or not. Expect to see penises, even if you don’t join in.
A few swingers’ clubs, though they’re rarer, are still mixed.
Nights at a swingers’ club
Nights at a swingers’ club usually have two parts: the dinner and the club night. If you want, you can skip the meal and arrive in time to dance once the party’s in full swing.
The dress code at a swingers’ club
Apart from a few fancy-dress nights, swingers’ clubs generally all have the same sort of dress code.
Shirt and smart shoes for men: if you’re wearing trainers or a T-shirt, you’re not getting in. And for women, trousers and leggings are strictly forbidden, and a sexy outfit is compulsory.
Yes, it’s a bit sexist, and rather backward. On the plus side, once you’re inside, you can strip off whenever you like.
The entrance fee at a swingers’ club
There’s usually a fee to get into the club, which may sometimes include one or more drinks, followed by a charge for each additional drink.
The entrance fee varies for single men, who pay more, couples and single women, who often get in for free. Many people will find this unfair or sexist. That said, it’s often the same in a “traditional” nightclub.
Drink prices are much the same as you’d find in a nightclub. Expect to pay around ten euros for a Coke and fifteen for a cocktail. In short, drinks are expensive. But you’re not there to quench your thirst.
Meals at swingers’ clubs
When you’re new to it, the meal is a good way to get to know the people you’ll be spending the evening with.
You turn up dressed smartly, or in the revealing outfit you plan to wear dancing later. In any case, you’re not naked, or getting undressed. Sex isn’t usually on the menu.
That said, one or two couples who are already feeling frisky might start jumping each other during dinner. Don’t take offence; it’s allowed. But you don’t have to join in with anything if you don’t want to, at any point.
Dancing at swingers’ clubs
As for the dancing, it’s a bit like a nightclub. Except that people are less dressed, at least the women. Men generally keep their trousers and shirts on, at least at first. Your (or partners) can undress you, if you’re happy for them to.
However, when it comes to getting physically close to other people on the dance floor, the etiquette is different from that in a “normal” nightclub. At a swingers’ club, it’s generally women who make the first move.
If you’re a woman, don’t hesitate to dance on the bar or in the cage if you fancy it. You’re not in an ordinary nightclub, and no one will label you the local slapper just because you like to shimmy up high.
Men, before you climb up into the middle of this nest of wanton women, be aware that in many swingers’ clubs your presence may put off, or even scare away the ladies who are more timid or don’t want contact with men. If you’re there to join your partner, fine; but if nobody’s invited you up there, it’s a nuisance, or even creepy. Better to enjoy the view, or dance on the floor.
In a “normal” nightclub, you often get annoying blokes trying to rub themselves against your backside while you’re dancing peacefully and minding your own business. Wherever you are, that behaviour is unacceptable, but at a swingers’ club it’s even more frowned upon than elsewhere. So it very rarely happens; people are more civilised, perhaps because the average age is higher.
But if someone does get too pushy, don’t hesitate to gently push them away, and if they persist, tell the other people dancing around you; they’ll politely set them straight. Some beginners have simply misunderstood the rules of the game, and a little explanation never hurts.
Consent at a swingers’ club
The music is usually loud, so it’s not always easy to communicate verbally. That’s why non-verbal communication matters. Pay close attention to signs of approval or refusal.
Above all, take your time. No groping or honking someone’s bum! Brushing against someone’s arm or leg while they’re dancing, without getting a positive response, can happen, and it’s no big deal. It’s one of the risks of dancing. But even at a swingers’ club, you can’t just grab someone’s bum: nobody’s going to sue you, but you’ll be seen as a bit of a boor.
When you try to make physical contact, pay close attention to the other person’s reaction, and see whether they’re inviting you to carry on or, on the contrary, don’t seem to like what you’ve done. If they seem to avoid your touch, look uncomfortable or ignore you completely, stop. If their reaction suggests they’re happy with it, carry on.
How do you flirt at a swingers’ club?
When couples meet, the women often use dancing to get closer, flirting if they’re bi, or simply chatting and getting on. They then decide whether they’d like to carry on talking over a drink, or move on to something steamy, with or without their respective partners.
Lots of couples where the woman is bi use this approach. There’s an element of chance to it. When you start getting closer to a woman on the dance floor, you don’t always know who the man with her is. You’re in a swingers’ venue, and just because you’ve seen two people kissing doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a couple.
And you might not fancy her bloke at all. Or your partner might not fancy your new accomplice at all. That’s no big deal: you can go to a club and just do things with other women, after all. And flirting doesn’t commit you to anything; having a bit of a grope doesn’t always mean things will go further in the playrooms. Not everyone’s after the same thing.
Still, if you want to have as much fun as possible, it’s best to look for people whose expectations are compatible with yours, and don’t be afraid to ask what they’re looking for.
If you prefer a more direct approach, there’s another option: spend some time in the playrooms and wait to be invited to join in the fun, or get things started as a couple and invite some of the voyeurs to join you.
You can also start a conversation over dinner, at the bar, or in the smoking area if there is one. Whether you’re flirting or just having a friendly chat.
Conversation topics at a swingers’ club
Starting a conversation is all very well, but what about?
One tip: avoid “so, what do you do for a living?”. No one will hold it against you for asking, but that line might kick off a dull conversation that’s hard to escape before you can steer things in a sexier direction. At a club, nobody wants to hear that by day you’re Dave, a fulfilled sales engineer in the roller-shutter patio-door industry. And listing the ins and outs of your daily life isn’t exactly a turn-on.
Also avoid “we’re all here for the same thing”. That’s not true. Some people come to a club to fuck like rabbits, others just to flirt, and others for the simple pleasure of having a drink in revealing clothes without being bothered, while watching people get up to mischief. Some people aren’t even sure why they’ve come, and will make it up as they go along if an interesting opportunity comes their way.
If you’re stuck for ideas, ask people what they’re looking for at the club. Talk about the funny profiles or odd messages you’ve received on Wyylde. Tell them about your previous experiences, or ask them to tell you about theirs. Everyone will have at least one unusual anecdote to share.
Otherwise, talk about sex. Or chat about everyday things: the people you met earlier in the evening, the club’s atmosphere, other clubs in the area, and so on.
And how do you move on to the serious stuff when you’re comfortably settled in and chatting? Some people prefer a subtle approach, starting to get handsy as a couple, or with some gentle caresses. Others prefer a more direct “shall we head to the playrooms?”—the polite swingers’ equivalent of “so, shall we shag?”
Making friends at a swingers’ club
Just because you’re at a swingers’ club doesn’t mean you can’t make friends—in fact, quite the opposite! You can absolutely chat and get to know people, even if you have no intention of sleeping with them.
At swingers’ clubs, you’ll meet people you’d never have had the chance to meet in other circumstances. You already share a taste for swinging and a certain open-mindedness, which may already give you far more in common than you have with the people you see in everyday life.
You’re at a swingers’ club, not in a secret society of Russian spies. There’s nothing stopping you from seeing your swinger friends outside the clubs if you enjoy their company.
Sex at a swingers’ club
Now let’s talk about the question that’s been burning on your mind since the start of this article: sex at a swingers’ club. What actually happens?
The playrooms at a swingers’ club
Swingers’ clubs usually have a designated place for getting frisky: the “playrooms”.
They may have beds, with or without curtains, and private rooms that lock, or where you can leave the door ajar if you’d like to be watched or joined. Depending on the club, there may also be more fun areas or furnishings, such as St Andrew’s crosses, BDSM furniture, glory holes, or rooms decorated like a love hotel.
When you visit the playrooms, you may come across people who quite directly suggest having some fun together. Don’t feel obliged, though: a simple “no, thanks” is enough to turn them down. But if you fancy it, don’t hesitate to seize the opportunity.
You’re also allowed to get up to things pretty much anywhere in the club, including right in the middle of the dance floor. But the playrooms offer more privacy and, generally, mattresses.
Swinging activities, towels and condoms
Some clubs, being well prepared, provide their guests with condoms and clean towels.
Condoms are, of course, an absolute must for swinging. Share good times, not germs. The ones provided aren’t always the best in terms of comfort, and may be a smidge too small, but they do protect against STIs and other sexually transmitted infections, and they’ll do the job if you don’t have any of your own with you.
At other clubs, you’ll have to get them from reception yourself, if they’ve got any left.
Towels serve a couple of purposes:
- They stop bodily fluids making a mess of the mattresses.
- And they stop you coming into direct contact with the mattresses. If you’re not the first people to get frisky there that night, and the previous occupants were a bit clumsier than you, that could come in handy.
And generally, you can also have a shower after your antics.
Swinging terminology
A few terms relating to swinging activities:
- Soft swapping: two couples have sex in the same room. There may be a few light caresses “outside the couple”, but nothing more involved.
- Soft swinging : there are sexual caresses “outside the couple” and oral sex, but penetration isn’t “mixed up”: Mr A penetrates Mrs A, and Mr B penetrates Mrs B.
- Partner swapping : as well as caressing and oral sex, partners are “swapped” for penetration.
- 2+2: Mr A does things with Mrs B, while Mr B does things with Mrs A, in separate rooms.
- Threesome: a man or woman does things with a couple.
- Candaulism: a man or woman watches their partner having fun with a man, a woman or a couple, without joining in.
- Voyeurism: you enjoy watching other people get frisky, but you don’t touch.
- Exhibitionism: you enjoy being watched, but don’t want to be touched.
Getting frisky at a swingers’ club
Right, I’m not going to tell you what to do in bed. You’ll improvise when you get there, depending on what you and the people you meet are in the mood for.
Never force yourself to sleep with someone you don’t fancy. Not out of politeness, not to please your partner, not to get the chance to sleep with that person’s partner, and not to give your other half that opportunity.
Another important point: it’s not “tit for tat”. If you’re a couple and decide to join another couple in the playrooms, don’t feel you have to copy what your partner’s doing.
If you “swap” partners, you may feel more comfortable, or even less comfortable than your partner with the other person of the opposite sex. If the magic isn’t happening quite as much as you’d like, you can take things more gently, or invite the man or woman to pause the action so you can watch. Watching your other half enjoying themselves can be great fun and a real turn-on.
What happens after sex?
Just had a lovely erotic time? Don’t immediately make a dash for it and leave your partners for the evening. Even if, so far, the only time you’ve “got to know each other” has been in the heat of the moment.
Without being a clingy nuisance, a quick drink together or just a bit of a chat is pleasant, and part of good manners. It’s a bit like playing a friendly table-tennis tournament or running a marathon: after the action, it’s always nice to sit down and catch your breath for a little while.
The swingers’ sauna
In the afternoons, swingers’ clubs with a swimming pool, steam room or sauna often offer swinging swim sessions. You swim naked, and can sometimes borrow or hire towels; if they’re keen, you can consider having a bit of fun with the people swimming nearby.
There’s generally one rule: no sex in the water. Caressing is allowed, but if you’re going to be exchanging bodily fluids, think of the people who’ll be swimming afterwards, and get out of the water to head to the playrooms.
A swingers’ sauna takes you straight into the thick of things. You start completely naked, and there’s very little room for a seduction phase. Perhaps that’s exactly what you’re looking for.
But if you’d rather take your time deciding what you fancy, and whether you fancy it at all, swingers’ nights may be a nicer option.
Which swingers’ club should you choose?
One last thing: which club should you go to if you don’t know the scene?
Not all swingers’ clubs are created equal. Some are very busy and have a very lively atmosphere, while others favour a friendly, intimate atmosphere.
Others, meanwhile, can be pretty seedy, with three blokes staring at you oddly and having a crafty fiddle as their entire clientele. Needless to say, you’ll want to avoid those. But how do you do that if you don’t know the club?
To get a first impression of a swingers’ club before spending the evening there, you have several options:
Google the swingers’ club
The reviews on Google Maps (or other sites) should give you an initial impression.
Check the venue’s listing on Wyylde
Look on Wyylde, NousLibertins or another swingers’ dating site for events organised by the club. There, you can check the number of people signed up for the events. (Note: usually, you don’t need a paid subscription to view events or sign up for them.)
Events with few people signed up, especially during the week (when people have less time to go out), don’t necessarily mean the club is rubbish. Some swingers’ clubs put a lot of effort into promoting themselves online, while others don’t try as hard, without that stopping them from having a nice atmosphere and a decent crowd. But if it’s always empty, even at weekends, that’s a bad sign.
Ask other swingers
Finally, when you’re chatting to other swingers, online or at a club, you can take the opportunity to ask them for a few recommendations for nice swingers’ venues to visit nearby. Their stories will give you a pretty clear idea of the atmosphere there, and help you decide whether it’s your sort of place.
