Les trois articles précédents sur le thème de la sexualité BDSM (interviews with Cheyenne, François and Maël) expressed the point of view of people attracted to BDSM, but with little (or no) experience.
For this final article in the series, here is the account of someone who has been acquainted with BDSM for a good while.
M., who practises SM with his wife (his submissive, in the context of their play), tells us how he discovered his taste for BDSM, how he defines it, and what, according to him, are the things you can do and those you should avoid.
Discovery and attraction to BDSM sexuality
1Why does BDSM attract you? How did the idea arise in your mind?
Even as a small child, I already had plenty of images in my head that went in the direction of BDSM sexuality (but I didn’t know that was what they were called). All the elements were there: the restraints, submission, nudity, the notion of a harem of submissives, even the sexual introduction of objects… Yet, as far as I can remember, I had never seen anything that could have prompted my mind to invent such daydreams…
In short, I definitely have the feeling of having carried the seed of BDSM within me all along. Besides, over the years, I have met others who have always carried this seed within them. No trigger, just lots of fantasies that go in that direction…
It’s not necessarily obvious, either, to grow up knowing that a part of us is sadistic, sexually speaking. I understood straight away that these things had to be kept to myself, that they made me different… I was a thousand miles away from imagining that one day I would live out these fantasies.
I grew up and my fantasies grew with me. They became more perverse, more elaborate, more varied, but always revolved around the same themes.
One day, pre-teen, I discovered, in the course of a conversation, that my best friend was also intrigued by these things, and we talked about all of it for a few months. How nice it is to find someone you can talk to about all this, not to feel like an alien!
At 17, I found a girlfriend who went along with my obsessions, and without toys, without code words, without a clear understanding of what BDSM is (we still didn’t even know the name, incidentally) we nonetheless got close to this type of sexuality that appealed to me so much, a wild, uninhibited sexuality where one of the two clearly dominates the other.
A few years later, I eventually learned more about the “SM” world (we didn’t yet talk about BDSM sexuality back then).
Finally, I realised there were lots of others like me, and I told myself it was worth going to see how it works… I was then 24 or 25 and I set foot in an SM club for the first time.
After that it’s classic… I eventually became friends with a charming submissive… and I began to explore this world…
Then, I moved away from SM circles for a few years, to digest a little what I had seen and experienced. I became interested in the world of non-monogamy, but D/s (note: “D/s” = “domination/submission”) is still there, in my sexuality (D/s without toys other than our bodies).
I travel too often during this long period, and in any case, I no longer have much time to build a stable relationship…
Then one fine day, irrevocably seduced by SM, I returned, and I found it quite changed: the web, the blogs, sites and forums… An entirely new world to discover.
And so here I am, after a few years, back at the clubs (from time to time). I have met absolutely charming women in that world, some have become my submissives, one has become my wife… What was the question again?
Ah yes… Why does BDSM attract you? How did the idea arise in your mind?
The seed was already there, without apparent reason. After that, the whole thing was to see what I could do with it (or not).
Attraction to certain aspects of BDSM
2BDSM involves a fairly wide range of practices, and can be perceived from various angles… What is the aspect that attracts you most? What are your desires in this regard?
SM remains the central point of my BDSM…
However, the whole palette of colours appeals to us and attracts us. Restraint (of which bondage is a part, and bondage is a whole world of its own), D/s and SM… Why is it exciting to mix pain and pleasure? I don’t know, it has always excited me in any case.
BDSM soft or hard?
3More soft or more hard? Also, what is your definition of these two terms?
Certainly, I am no beginner, but we are always in the process of learning new things or relearning them. In any case, the soft of some will be the hard of others, and vice versa. It is therefore difficult to clearly establish a boundary between soft and hard.
However, we are perceived as a fairly hard couple (although we do not feel like it). I feel that in the collective mind, soft is more linked to D/s and hard more to SM.
Our BDSM being more clearly SM than D/s, inevitably we can easily give the impression of being a hard couple.
We had each made our way in SM circles before meeting each other, and we already knew what we liked and how we liked it. The advantage of already having a relatively solid experience is that we can calmly practise what we like, while placing the emphasis on safety in our practices.
Because the goal is not to destroy the other person, but simply to please each other. Thus our BDSM is not based on any particular philosophy, simply the desire to please and to be pleased. Apart from our “alternative” approach to sexuality, we are a couple like any other couple.
Fantasy or reality?
4For you, what is the boundary between the realm of fantasy and that of practice?
Some things can be put into practice, and others cannot… Whatever would be destructive for the person is best kept in the realm of fantasy only.
However, there is all the rest, and this “all the rest” is a vast, well-varied palette of colours that allows us to flourish and enjoy ourselves as a couple.
As for anything that would be too destructive to be practised for real, there are places, such as Second Life, where you can “play” and fantasise together without doing any harm to anyone. In this regard, I very much like sexually oriented role-playing games, in groups of players. For example: kidnapping scenarios, forced training, etc…
I think that the “unhealthy” can be explored, but it is enough to do it with the right people and in a way that is not harmful to anyone.
And alongside this, we have a blast as a couple in real BDSM too.
In reality, it’s no easier to be sadistic than to be masochistic. Both can be heavy to carry, and some carry both seeds within them (switches).
It’s like everything else, you just have to know how to channel things. BDSM sexuality can be very interesting to approach, provided you have clear ideas and remain benevolent. Quite a few people have not necessarily understood that yet… And as a result, we find people who have rather a malevolent approach in our ranks. So you need to keep your eyes wide open and know how to sort things properly.
At heart it’s as Cheyenne said, it’s not so much about satisfying a need at all costs, but about finding the right people to experience privileged moments, extraordinary moments.
A big thank you to M. for taking the time to answer my questions.
The previous posts in this series of interviews devoted to BDSM sexuality:
- Getting started with BDSM: testimonies (Part 1).
- The attraction of BDSM, testimonies from beginners (Part 2)
- Testimonies from beginners in BDSM (Part 3)
Illustration: Flickr gallery by Cold Storage and Suzanne Forbes, Creative Commons.
